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I had always decided that if I ever had kids, I would leave my job and stay home with them, in one capacity or another. I mean I never really thought I was going to have kids, and I was chronically dissatisfied with my jobs, so I chalked it up as one of those like-that-will-really-ever-happen scenarios we all speculate about and left it at that.
And then I got pregnant. Not only was I not married but I was at the beginning of an illustrious career as a college professor. I had just published my first textbook and I was working 12 hour days and loving it. Here it was - the world chewing up my famous last words and spitting them right in my face.
I finished out my year and decided, most likely overtaken by raging pregnancy hormones, that I did want to leave my job to be with my daughter. I rationalized that we were going to be moving soon and it was a good time for the academic program that I directed to find someone new, so I gave my notice, taught my last few classes, and looked forward to my new adventure as MOTHER.
On paper, it was a very easy decision. Our finances would take a hit and my career would be temporarily put on hold. But, in actuality, when I decided to take the "mother" job, I hadn't done my research. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I didn't realize that my life was about to change more drastically that I had ever imagined.
I signed up for MOTHERHOOD. What I didn't sign up for, but what is apparently included in the job, is cook, maid, late-night babysitter, and isolation specialist. Suddenly, I went from optionally and graciously cooking and cleaning to having to make it a part of my required daily existence. I went from going out on a semi-regular basis to being left home. Essentially, I went from a relative SOMEBODY to a NOBODY in a matter of 15 hours (long labor....). I was left home, alone with an infant, while my husband enjoyed his same life - same work, same size clothes, same gym, same going out.
Surely I am not the only career-minded mother who had the crap shocked out of her in the first year of motherhood. I imagine many women retreat into seclusion and track suits, believing that this is motherhood and we should have known better. And isn't that it? It's not that we are isolated, lonely, tired, confused and in need of support, help, and guidance, but also, we chose it.... So, it's OUR fault. Maybe you're just not cut out for staying-at-home, they would say. It's not for everyone. I questioned my own ability as a mother and domestic engineer, as well as my decision to take the job.
It doesn't help that professional motherhood seems to be very low on our lists these days. I remember reading Naomi Wolf's account of her experiences as a new stay-at-home-mom in her book Misconceptions. At a fancy cocktail party, a few guests asked her about her work and after explaining her new job of poop-wiper-baby-feeder extraordinaire they quickly walked away from her as if she had a big nasty contagious rash on her face. Such reactions don't make the choice any easier. While many women do not desire a life of full-time at home mothering, I imagine there are just as many who do, but feel as though their personhood and sense of self are not worth the risk.
I admit that there are days when I miss work. I look at my daughter and wonder if I am really giving her what she needs. But as much as I miss my quiet office, daily interactions with adult humans, and unlimited computer time, I can't imagine ANYONE else spending more time with her than me. Even as silly or as clueless I might be, I still believe it's way better for her to be with me that someone else. I decided that raising a human on a full-time basis (especially in these formative years) is my life's most important work.
Feminists talk about women being able to have it all -equally satisfying career and domestic bliss - and I believe it's our right as women to decide our own fate. But I wonder if we haven't set the bar too high.
I mean, is it really satisfying to not see your kids for most of the day? Or, is it really gratifying to be with your kids so much that you want to stick your head in the toilet and flush it? I mean, doesn't SOMETHING have to suffer? Don't we really have to let one thing go, just a little, or can it really be 50-50?
I think women need to start changing the definition of having it all. Maybe it's not really about this perfect marriage of career and domesticity, but rather it's about what's really best for us and our kids.
It’s not about making judgments of other mothers’ choice or even basing our decision on what other people think, but rather, it’s considering the needs of our families and our own selves. It's our job to change perceptions and not get sucked into the vacuum that can be motherhood. I've seen too many casualties.
My choice to leave my job has been 100% worth it. I realized I’m only leaving my job and not my work or my career; I’m fortunate to be able to continue speaking, writing, and working – just on a much less frequent basis. After spending the bulk of my time with daughter of these last 18 months, I think I have finally changed my focus away from trying to be the mother I think I should be to actually becoming the mother I know I am. For me that means only 20% career and 80% family right now. But that's okay. I have no resentments or regrets because I know it won't be like that forever, and in my book, I really do have it all.
Kristen Chase holds Bachelors and Masters degrees in Music Therapy and recently stepped down as Assistant Professor of Music at a small public university to take on the highly glamorous yet fulfilling position of stay-at-home mom to a 19 month old daughter. Amidst adjusting to the joys and sorrows of domestic life, she recently finished her third music therapy textbook, due out this fall, and can be found daily at her blog, motherhooduncensored.typepad.com